The Challenge of Family Scapegoat Abuse
It occurred to me that one of the biggest challenges for recovering abuse survivors is developing trust in people and forming friendships again. Many abandon the idea altogether preferring complete solitude and isolation. There is nothing wrong with solitude and enjoying prolonged periods alone, it's a time of peace and tranquillity, and to get in touch with your true nature.
For recovering survivors of abuse, solitude often becomes a way of life, stemming from a deep-seated lack of trust and a conviction that others will inevitably disappoint or betray them. Consequently, the appeal of a simple life, free from unnecessary drama and conflict, becomes attractive and entirely understandable.
The Comfort of Solitude vs. The Value of Connection
The value of friendship and a circle of trusted individuals is recognised. However, for recovering survivors of family scapegoat abuse, the very people who should have been their emotional support network like their family or partner, were the ones who betrayed their trust. This betrayal makes it even more challenging to envision creating healthy friendships elsewhere, leading them to wonder, "If those closest to me were untrustworthy, who else can ever be trusted?"
Despite everything, there is hope, and with it, the chance to nurture friendships again. It requires us to be open-hearted to trust and allow it into our lives.
Walking this journey of faith myself, I've learned from all interactions and experiences, both positive and negative. I've come to accept the ebb and flow of people in my life, releasing the need to hold onto the friendships that have far outrun their natural course.
Breaking the Cycle: Steps Towards Healthy Friendships
I'm convinced that recovering survivors of family scapegoat abuse can build strong, healthy friendships once more and thrive. There's a certain beauty in those who strive to overcome their past traumas. They're not scared to self-reflect, to acknowledge and improve upon their flaws, and take ownership of their past to avoid being trapped in a victim mindset.
To form healthy, trusting friendships, it's good to set yourself high standards. By prioritising your mental well-being, you'll naturally gravitate towards individuals who value and respect friendship as much as you do, leaving no room for those who are inconsistent or uncommitted. Of course, no one is perfect and we cannot expect to be liked by everyone. When we listen to our intuition we can tell quite quickly who is draining us or feels uplifting to be around.
For me, a friendship is a vessel supporting us through our travels and challenges on the journey of life. Sometimes we sail in different directions for a while. If one vessel is caught in a storm or being attacked, we offer help and support. Occasionally we jump on board with one another and celebrate our successes. Never though do we “should” on our friends, or pull them from the direction of their course.
These 4 tips are to help you thrive and build healthy friendships after abuse and trauma.
- Start small with clear boundaries Trust is built gradually, like laying bricks one at a time. Begin with small acts of trust and maintain firm boundaries. For example, you might start by meeting for coffee in a public place rather than immediately sharing deeply personal information. Notice how the other person respects your limits - do they push for more than you're ready to give, or do they honour your pace? Your boundaries are like gates that you control.
- Trust your intuition about people As a survivor, you likely have finely-tuned instincts about people, even if past abuse made you doubt yourself. Pay attention to how people make you feel. Do you feel drained or energised after spending time with them? Do they consistently do what they say they'll do? Your body often knows before your mind when something feels off.
- Practice self-compassion when relationships feel challenging There will be times when socialising feels overwhelming or when you need to step back. That's okay. Instead of criticising yourself for these moments, treat yourself with the same kindness you'd show a friend. Permit yourself to take breaks from people when needed.
- Allow friendships to develop at their own natural pace Quality friendships are like gardens - they need some time, care and attention to grow. There's no need to force connections or try to rush intimacy. Some friendships will always remain casual, others will deepen naturally over time. Focus on enjoying each interaction for what it is rather than worrying about what it "should" be. Remember that healthy friends will respect your need for space and time.
Lisa Precious is the founder of SmileyBlue a publication dedicated to helping people reach their full potential and discover the right path for their lives. Our content expands from conscious mentoring to emotional healing and in-depth discussions on how your mind and body are the most powerful assets in your life. Please feel free to contact her at contact@smileyblue.org
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