Escaping the Scapegoat Role: Healing from Family Narcissistic Abuse

The Reality Of Scapegoating Abuse

The toxic narcissistic family control system, cannot be excused—every member trapped within it, is a victim. Today, I can now consider myself fortunate to have been the scapegoat child, for it allowed me to escape the pack mentality and toxic control, despite the intense mental anguish and sorrow that followed.

Conveniently for the family, I was expected to bear all the shame and blame. Today, I am at peace with that.

There's nothing worse than having your support network turned against you, for simply highlighting the blatant injustices that were going on.

When I found myself shut out and isolated, I recall one of my family saying “You brought it all on yourself,” This does not absolve anyone within the family of responsibility.

Consequently, I was ostracised for my non-conformity and perceived disrespect, because apparently, only their wants and needs mattered, and as long as you're compliantly meeting them you get to remain a member of the toxic narcissistic pack.

One day, I challenged my mother and said, "Mum, if my sister stabbed me in the back with a knife, you'd still point the finger at me." I saw her eyes flinch, fully aware of the truth. She would twist the story the way she liked, always casting me as the villain and themselves as the virtuous ones.

Before going no contact what had frightened me the most was their rejection, and yet, rather foolishly at the time, I hadn't recognised that I had already been rejected decades ago.

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The Pain of Parental Indifference

It's December of 1999, I was eight weeks pregnant, nauseous and had started having bleeds, it was an anxious time. I was working full-time in retail which was always a stressful busy period. My doctor was not hopeful, but an early scan showed everything looked okay.

“You can do Christmas this year,” Mum proclaims. It’s an order, not a request. Despite my dreadful nausea, bleeding, worry, and working full time, I acquiesced and agreed to do the family dinner that year.

My family and my husband's family didn’t get along so we would plan separate events for each of them- It would always mean double the workload. I know you’re probably already thinking, I must sound like a mug, and to be fair, you’re right. Boundaries weren’t something I’d even heard of.

That same year, my parents chose to host a New Year's dinner. Since we hadn't seen my husband's family during the Christmas period, we thought it was fair to spend the New Year with them instead, especially since we had celebrated Christmas Day with my side of the family.

On New Year's Day, my parents called us, voicing their huge disapproval that we wouldn’t be going to their dinner with an outraged barrage of harsh words. My husband was surprised by the sudden outburst and thought it would soon blow over, yet I wept, with the prediction that I'd now be ostracised until our baby was born.

That might have been the case if my younger sister hadn't taken me back to the family home when I was around seven months pregnant. Looking back, I'm struck again by the senselessness and harshness of their actions. Walking into the kitchen with the family around the kitchen table I was met with a stare, no hugs or warm greetings. My father cried to see me so heavily pregnant, but he always came from a place of keeping the peace and saying nothing.

The day I gave birth to my son was filled with indescribable joy at the sight of my beautiful, healthy baby boy. The following day I recall asking my parents over the phone if they'd like to come and see him. "Your dad and I won't be able to get dinner if we come” my mum responded.

In my eagerness for them to see their grandchild, I offered to prepare sandwiches and cake as an incentive. Looking back, that offer seems so ridiculous to me now. As I fed my son at the table in my kitchen, my mother rolled her eyes with disgust as I breastfed my new born son.

Yearning for their love and wanting them to be eager to meet their first grandchild, deep down, I had sensed their lack of interest, yet I still clung to a false hope that they shared in my excitement.

Finding Faith

Despite enduring family narcissistic scapegoat abuse and the resulting deluge of anxiety, mental trauma and grief that followed after I finally chose to leave, I wouldn't alter any of my past. This journey led me to find my faith, and I'm certain that even when people abandon and cast their judgments upon us, our heavenly Father remains faithful. I am deeply thankful for this experience, as it guided me to Christ, a love for nature, and a serene, peaceful and simple life. Today, I feel whole and can make much healthier choices in my relationships.

The Final Goodbye

The day that changes everything inevitably comes to us all, for me, it arrived after my father passed away. I was cast out of all personal family and business matters in the toughest times, it's now a faraway memory. That was my tipping point, and I promised to sever ties and never look back. No longer was I going to be the family scapegoat, it was time to step away, take back my power and steer my life in a new direction, one aligned with the life I wanted and needed, and for the well-being of our family.

The issue with narcissistic family scapegoat abuse lies in its nature; it's not constant, and there are plenty of wonderful memories and kind acts. Externally, we were always taught to maintain an image of impossible perfection. Excessive laughter, tears, weight gain, or loss were all frowned upon, even to the point of criticism for very minor things, like the way we cut carrots, peeled potatoes or didn't iron things the right way.

I was scolded for vomiting when I witnessed the distressing death of my father. "Don't act like that at the funeral, don't vomit into the grave and humiliate yourself," Mum said, showing no empathy or concern for the trauma and loss I had just witnessed.

The Relief After Mum Died

On reflection, it's hard to grasp that I endured it all for such a long time. Three years after Dad died, Mum passed without any farewells. I remained silent and sat at the church's rear, keen to leave once the funeral service had ended, feeling only huge relief at her final departure.

Strangely, only three weeks before Mum passed away, I had a gathering with some friends. I remember sharing a gut feeling that something significant was about to occur. On the day she passed, while walking my dogs in the fields, I suddenly stopped and said, "Goodbye Mum." At that moment, I felt a sense of release; and I learned later she passed away that night.

Living In My Core Values

Nearly a decade later, I lead a tranquil life, serving as a spiritual coach and mentor. The experiences we have and the individuals we meet all shape us into who we are and go on to affect our life choices and actions.

Is complete healing ever truly possible? There was once a time I didn't think so. Now I believe it is. Claiming to be able to completely disconnect from my past life would be insincere as it has placed me where I am today, and in so many ways, it has elevated me higher. Upholding your fundamental beliefs and values may lead to a time of solitude, with people and circumstances falling away from you. Ultimately, I found peace, healing, freedom, wholeness and contentment in it, and it paved the way for better things to come.

The healing journey takes time, and no part can be avoided, it’s crucial to acknowledge and process your feelings, allowing for them to rise up when they arrive. The journey is similar to riding waves in the ocean, eventually, the waves do subside, the water calms and you can finally see the light across the water illuminating the way ahead.

"The greatest gift you can ever give to yourself is the peace of forgiveness, not for those who hurt you, but for yourself " Lisa Precious.

Thank you for reading today. If you are going through narcissistic family scapegoat abuse, it helps to talk to someone who is completely detached from the family. Do you want to talk? - Email Lisa Precious at contact@smileyblue.org