Surviving Narcissistic Abuse And Staying Frozen Out For Good
The Scapegoat Child
Family scapegoat abuse is like being frozen out into the cold of isolation, all because you’re branded the naughty one for reasons you can’t even fathom. Meanwhile, the rest of your family operates as if you’re invisible and don’t exist.
In this cruel dynamic, every family member competes with each other for their little morsels of love and attention from the abuser. To make things easy, the dysfunctional family dumps all the blame onto you, the scapegoat, convincing themselves they are good and morally upright.
The scapegoat child is conveniently seen as needing mental help, unstable, incapable and not quite right in the head. This debacle goes on for so long that you actually feel as though you will turn crazy. Whatever you do in this dynamic you are always dammed if you do and dammed if you don’t.
Countless times, isolated and frozen out, not even understanding why, with hot, salty tears streaming down your face, while the family continue with their cosy gatherings, using you as the hot topic of conversation.
Deep down, you already know the truth and don’t want to face the harsh reality. A dysfunctional family will quite happily throw the scapegoat child under the bus, and then blame you for it. “Well she brought it on herself.”
The Twisted Normal
Yet, all this is your twisted normal, and these are the people you love. Why? You have grown up with them, and it is the only understanding of love you know.You’re also acutely aware that your circumstances are not right.
Then, one day, you finally reach breaking point, frozen out once too often, and you decide that you’d rather face the bitter cold of the gutter than walk back into the chaos perpetuated by a narcissistic parent and a dysfunctional family. That’s what scapegoat abuse entails — placing all the blame on one child.
It’s not uncommon for siblings to betray each other, selling each other out to secure the love and attention they so desperately crave. The narcissistic parent knows precisely what they’re doing, employing the age-old tactic of ‘divide and conquer,’ used by all those who abuse their power.
To add further insult to injury, the scapegoat has the awareness that other family members are fully aware of the abusive dynamics within the family. Despite this knowledge, family bystanders remain passive, perched on the fence, often acting as intermediaries and message carriers.
The only one with the courage to speak the harsh truth is the scapegoat, and in retaliation, they are further gaslit, smeared, and shamed. Perhaps you’ve heard the phrase, “And after all I’ve done for you.” commonly used by narcissistic personality types to guilt trip their victims when they bravely speak up.
The difficulty of defining scapegoat abuse lies in the fact that the abuser isn’t always cruel. There are moments of tenderness, joy, and happiness that only add to the intense confusion and sense of deep betrayal.
I thought back to my mother, in one of her argumentative moods, pursuing me as I tried to retreat, prodding for an argument and then breaking into a smile when she had unearthed the perfect, cruel words to break me down.Then, a few days later, she would call as if nothing had happened, utterly oblivious to the damage done. She once even boasted about her ability to control the household’s mood. We never knew what her mood was likely to be.
Abuse Continues Until You End It
The cycle of abuse will continue for years, spiraling and plunging, until either the abuser passes away or you decide to leave for good, for no amount of hoping and begging will earn you their love.
One day, perhaps when you have children or reach full maturity, you wake up realising that true love isn’t based on compliance, terms, and conditions, or diminishing yourself to bolster someone else.
You may find yourself isolated and ostracised yet again for something petty, but this time determined never to return. You turn and walk in the opposite direction, distancing yourself for good.
The Long Road To Recovery
What follows next is a deluge of mental trauma as you try to make sense of what happened to you for all those years. Anxiety, stress, memory loss, illness, exhaustion, injustice and grief become your daily struggle as you grapple with the intensity of the mental load.
You grieve for your younger self, the family you’ve lost, and the attempts at self-love, repeatedly failed by a history of rejection. To this day, you may find yourself telling people you have no family, preferring solitude because relationships and friendships seem too risky.
Family scapegoat abuse is the message that love is only given based on their terms and conditions and that conformity or departure are your only two choices.
Leaving is initially excruciatingly painful, but it is the most compassionate gift you can ever give yourself. You will discover that life can be joyful and beautifully simple, and you will ultimately discover the beauty that is you.
I am available for 1-1 spiritual coaching to support your healing journey, helping you see your past pain as a powerful catalyst for growth. If you feel aligned then please email me to arrange chat. This is simply a talk, and there are no obligations to go any further should you feel it is not for you at this time.
Through coaching we will look at ways to challenge your thinking and to overcome current obstacles that prevent you from flourishing into the beautiful being you are.
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