The Awakening

As I approached my fortieth birthday, my father passed away. What followed finally shed light on a truth I had long known and sensed.

I used to make jokes about being treated like Cinderella in the family, but confronting that was something I hesitated to do for way too many years. Deep down I was fully aware of the long-term implications confrontation carried. Speaking up about the obvious injustices in the family brought shaming, mockery, rejection and usually isolation. It wasn't unusual to be denied access to the family home after being accused of things I hadn't done. It was normal behaviour in our family and I didn't know differently.

"You don't have to defend your healing journey to anyone who doesn't understand it." - Unknown.

The Shrinking Self

Growing up as the family scapegoat, I gradually learned to move myself aside. Making myself small for others to feel big. It was easier and safer that way. Being true to my feelings led to mockery and denial. My mother often said, "Why can't you be more like this and less like that?" "I don't understand why you are the way you are." "Do you think you're better than everyone else?" "Your sister is capable; you're not."

Growing up, any slight weight gain was met with a pointed, "You'd want me to tell you, wouldn't you?" I trusted that my mother had my best interests in mind, she was my mother after all. Yet, her critical eye over my body, pointing out my flaws or how my legs and bum would look in my clothes, took its toll. By fifteen, I was battling an eating disorder, and already finding my solace in alcohol.

One evening, as I happily hopped up some steps on the way to a family dinner, I was scolded for being overly exuberant and instructed to be more subdued. It was so confusing; I couldn't figure out what my mother expected of me; I just couldn't ever be myself.

"When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up." - Psalm 27:10

My mother hadn't had a happy or loving childhood. In her mind, I know she wanted her daughters to be everything she wasn't, someone who would be the doctor or solicitor she could brag to her friends about. That put pressure on me and my siblings to always meet her impossible standards, yet even if we had we still wouldn't have ever been enough. She played the game of divide and rule very well, pitting us siblings against each other.

Imagine growing up feeling like you are a disappointment, incapable, and flawed since childhood. Then, as an adult, when you finally address the evident cruelty, disrespect, and unfairness, your whole family turns against you. They label you "crazy," accuse you of fabricating stories, and suggest you're mentally ill and in need of help.

Yet, my mind had never felt clearer.

The Effects of Gaslighting

The relentless projection of shame onto the scapegoat creates a thick fog of self-doubt that can be paralysing. Abusers excel at portraying themselves as the victims while systematically undermining their target's reality. Their charm and conviction make you question your memories and perceptions. What begins as confusion then evolves into a disconnection from your truth.

A Survivor's Perspective

Freedom from toxic family dynamics comes at a steep emotional price. The initial years after going no contact brought daily battles with panic attacks, anxiety, and physical illness. Yet staying would have cost me even more – the complete erosion of my identity until I became unrecognisable even to myself.

The healing journey has transformed my relationship with solitude. What once felt like isolation now feels like a peaceful sanctuary. When grief occasionally surfaces, we can learn to turn these dark moments toward the light, examining them with gentle curiosity rather than fear.

Trauma releases itself in layers like sediment slowly rising to the surface of water. It helps to sit with these emerging emotions, allowing them to arise and disperse naturally. Much of my healing work has been solitary, confronting my inner critic and nurturing my wounded inner child with compassion.

The Power of Shared Experiences

I know this story echoes so many countless others. There's profound healing in recognising these shared experiences of family scapegoat abuse. Each voice that speaks up lights the path for others still trapped in the darkness of family scapegoating, an insidious form of abuse that's only now being fully recognised.

The recovery journey isn't about "getting over it" but integration and growth. It is possible to eventually reach a place of genuine forgiveness and gratitude for where this path leads, but not before working through and acknowledging all your necessary emotions

When old pain surfaces acknowledge it, allow yourself to grieve, and continue forward with renewed purpose. True healing lies in accepting that we can hold both peace and sadness, remembering and releasing.

"Sometimes walking away is the only option, not because you want to make someone miss you, but because you realise they don't respect you." - Unknown

Finding Strength and Purpose

The fiery crucible of family scapegoating abuse transformed my fear into faith. Losing my family was initially my greatest fear, yet that ultimately became a bittersweet blessing once I finally stood firm in my truth and values. My determination and inner strength have carried me beyond what I once thought possible.

Today, I'm driven by a much deeper purpose, supporting others who are still trapped in the nightmare of scapegoat abuse. When victims find themselves isolated, their support networks also get corrupted by their abuser's charming and convincing influence, they need to know they're not alone. This is why we must continue to shine a light on family scapegoat abuse.

We scapegoats often possess a natural radiance that threatens our abusers, it prompts them to try to dim our light down to amplify their own power. But there comes a turning point when we choose to disconnect from this toxic dynamic and redirect our energy toward self-love, healing, and compassion. In doing so, we transform from victims to survivors to thrivers, lighting the way for others to follow.

Luke 21:16-18  You will be betrayed even by parents, brothers and sisters, relatives and friends, and they will put some of you to death. Everyone will hate you because of me. But not a hair of your head will perish.

Lisa Precious is the founder of SmileyBlue a publication dedicated to helping people reach their full potential and discover the right path for their lives. Our content expands from conscious mentoring to emotional healing and in-depth discussions on how your mind and body are the most powerful assets in your life. Please feel free to contact her at contact@smileyblue.org

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