Healing from family scapegoat abuse is a very challenging yet transformative journey. This guide offers insights and practical strategies to help you rebuild your life, prioritise self-care, and transform the pain into personal growth.
Moving on involves learning to reconstruct and rejuvenate ourselves into something new and improved. It's similar to renovating a house; you can be remade and transformed into something stunning, more precious, and brand new. Ready for it? It requires tearing down some walls and dealing with quite a bit of chaos, but the result is truly amazing.
The Backlash
Prioritising our needs and confronting injustices often leads to backlash, such as a smear campaign, resulting in isolation and exclusion. It's common to find that even those who were once close to you, like family and friends, may participate in these campaigns.
The scapegoat child often grows up believing their needs don't matter, a lesson ingrained since childhood. Attempts to assert themselves are typically met with belittlement or ridicule. For instance, my mother would declare, "You're not capable, your sister is," a statement that would delight the favoured sibling. Eventually, we learn to believe the lies we have been falsely taught, and unravelling those untruths in adulthood requires great inner work.
Adults who have experienced scapegoat abuse can eventually develop incredible resilience, as well as amazing creativity. They are often strong in their spirituality and faith with a profound appreciation for beauty, nature, goodness, and truth. Their difficult childhoods drive them to seek out peaceful environments.
Seek Support To Address Your Needs
It can be beneficial to discuss the situation with someone outside the family. Family members can inadvertently become "messengers" exacerbating issues while trying to remain neutral to maintain harmony. This approach often proves unproductive.
Seeking support from individuals, counsellors, and those experienced in similar situations who are completely independent of the family is important. Your feelings must be heard and acknowledged. The adage "You only get one family" should not pressure you into making things work or getting along. Those who have endured such abuse would not advise you to do so.
You might have heard phrases like "You're too sensitive" or "You're overreacting," which dismiss your feelings and emotional needs by those trying to control you. Despite sounding clichéd, your inner child needs to be acknowledged, listened to, and validated.
We're naturally wired to escape pain and discomfort, always on the hunt for that magical cure for "Letting Go." We often look outside ourselves for something to fill the deep void left inside us.
Nature abhors a vacuum, and when you commit to addressing your needs, the right people and opportunities tend to appear, aiding you on your healing journey. Over time, we can learn to recognise recurring lessons; you might keep meeting people who disappoint you until you realise and affirm your limits, setting clear boundaries for yourself.
Will You Ever Be Able To Let Go?
It's hard to completely release the painful parts of our lives. However, I firmly believe it's possible to change our perspective on these difficult times, seeing them as significant chapters that push us higher towards greater self-love.
In the end, painful experiences can be used as a springboard for personal development and renewal of the soul. It's similar to revamping an old house into a lively and precious home, greatly increasing its value. By empowering yourself as a survivor rather than a victim, you reclaim control over your life, break free from toxic patterns, and open the door to personal growth, healing, and a future defined by greater strength and resilience.
Anger
Navigating anger is a normal stage of grief as you struggle with "What happened to you?" rather than "What's wrong with you."
Anger is a natural and often warranted reaction to your experiences, but it can consume you like wildfire, scorching not just you, but relationships you hold dear.
However, the blaze of anger can be constructive if we control its energy for positive change for ourselves and those around us.
Engage in this purification process to regain equilibrium and manage inner anger. Connecting with your inner self and higher consciousness will aid in this journey.
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Self Care
Self-love and care are paramount to the healing journey. Recognising for once that your needs come first before you can help others. The following tips are for you to do, all of them contributed to my recovery.
- Physical exercise: Physical activity is key to avoiding stagnation. Since the mind and body are connected, exercising can boost mental and physical strength. It doesn't need to be intense; even a stroll outdoors or a relaxing swim can make a difference.
- Mental exercise: As a former fitness coach, I've come to realise that I once overlooked my mental well-being, but now I understand its importance. It's common knowledge that physical exercise benefits the body, yet we often forget to exercise our minds. Meditation is similar to a gym session for your brain, strengthening your mental faculties and bringing about a state of calm, peace, and inward serenity. Just as you wouldn't expect to lift 100kg on your first day at the gym, meditation requires patience and gradual progress. Simply tuning into my voice during the guided meditations can aid in this journey.
- Avoid Alcohol and Drugs: The urge to fill an inner void with harmful substances can be an attempt to numb emotional distress. Similarly, eating disorders often stem from the same desire to escape psychological pain.
- Setbacks: Setbacks will occur, bringing days filled with despair, sadness, guilt, regret, and self-doubt. The path to freedom and wholeness is a gradual one, revealing many layers of self along the way. It's common for your mind to become overwhelmed and revisit past events. Start acknowledging your thoughts and learn to observe them with gentle detachment.
- Make Space: Create a peaceful environment for your sadness. Find a quiet spot, play some soft music, and permit yourself to experience the sadness. Reflect on it, observe it, and let the tears flow freely.
You don't have to pretend: Gradually, you'll become more yourself and less of a people pleaser. Start by learning to say "No" to requests that are too much for you. If that's tough, try not to immediately say yes to everything. Instead, buy some time with responses like, "I'll get back to you tomorrow." It's all about taking small but significant steps to prioritise your own needs for a change.
As a child, the fear of being abandoned makes you conform to the dysfunctional system. As an adult when speaking the truth means abandonment and isolation, you recognise it doesn't matter anymore. You are choosing to raise the bar for your life, drawing a line in the sand, and seeking well-deserved independence, freedom, wholeness and goodness.
Thank you for reading today. I hope this article brings you hope and healing on your path to freedom and wholeness. Join our membership today to support our work and become a valued member of our community.
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