Renovating Your Life: Self-Care and Restoration After Abuse (FSA)™

"I will prod, poke and disrespect you until you break, and when you do, it's your fault" - The Narcissist

Driving You To Insanity

If you have ever been or are currently a victim of narcissism, you have my deepest sympathy. These complex characters will drive you to insanity, almost tipping you over the edge. Once you understand this personality disorder, you see them for what they are, unhealed children themselves in adult bodies. Then begins the healing from the years of living in perpetual fear, anxiety, deep sadness, mental torture, gaslighting, and the havoc they reaped upon your life. We can feel so hopelessly let down that we learn to enjoy our own company the most.

Allow me to use this analogy: imagine a good-natured, contented dog sleeping happily next to the fire. Next, the narcissist decides they would like to pet the sleeping dog. Initially, the happy dog allows this for a little while, but after time, he starts feeling restless with the constant petting. The happy dog wants to sleep, so he makes a growl to warn the narcissist to stop—enough prodding now.

The petting and prodding continue, and the dog growls a bit louder as it continues. Finally, the dog snaps, quickly and sharply biting as his final warning; no harm done. The narcissist then creates huge drama, screaming, crying, acting like the victim, and blaming the dog. Next, the dog is labeled dangerous and aggressive, and the narcissist calls for the dog's destruction. The poor innocent dog has to be destroyed, deemed too much of a risk to people.

The above analogy is typical behavior of a narcissist towards their victims.

Behaviours

They will lie, cheat, say, and do anything to make themselves appear superior. If you confront their behavior, they create huge drama. Seriously, they make great actors and actresses. Once the narcissist knows you have seen through their facade, they will attempt to destroy your name and life. You are now in the way of their attempts to control, cheat, and manipulate.

We also see this behavior acting out from politicians and media. Watch how they will destroy a person's good name if they disagree with the narrative. Never attempt to appeal to the narcissist; they know exactly what they are doing. They feed off their power and control of you. Your feelings will be dismissed or you will be told you're dreaming it all up.

Your Light Is Their Energy Source

Often attracting empathetic sensitive individuals who love to serve and please others. Unfortunately without firm boundaries, they easily fall prey to the narcissist's over-inflated ego and grandiose ideas of themselves.

How Can We Heal?

If we learn to shift our perspective, we can see that the narcissist is showing the empath to stand in core values and assert firm boundaries. There is no book out there that tells you how to let it all go. It's a long process of time to healing, and there’s no magic date. It can feel as though you’re there one minute and then knocked off balance the next.

Relationships are never the same again; your guard is up, holding parts of yourself back. You learned trust gets you hurt. The problem is that the damage caused is catastrophic. The healing journey takes many years of inner work.

All is not lost

What if I told you that once healed, you will have a new-found love and appreciation for life? It is hard to believe it when you are beginning your healing journey.

Things That Helped Me Heal:

Learn about narcissistic personality disorder. Knowledge is power and part of taking control of your life back.
Seek out others that can relate and listen to your experience. If you are in a dysfunctional family dynamic, abusive relationship, or work environment, choose somebody who is unassociated.
Practice self-love and work on raising your value. You are worthy of relationships based on equal value and respect.
Take up a creative hobby, do something that engages the brain in a fun, creative way.
Exercise in nature, get outdoors, run in the rain, and do activities that connect you to the elements.
Take control back of your life. Nobody knows you better than you.
Trust that the people who are supposed to be with you on your life journey will be; those that don't respect your boundaries, bully, or belittle you must go.
Family is not a get-out-of-jail-free card to abuse; it does not give anyone the carte blanche to run roughshod over you.
Connect with your spiritual side, and engage in prayer and meditation. Trust that everything always works out for your highest good.
Watch your life unfold as though you are watching a movie. There are sad, painful chapters but also good chapters too.
Choose the company of others on your terms. Keep distance and allow others to earn your trust over time.
Embrace your inner badass, and assert your boundaries when needed.
Walk away from all drama; it won't move you forward.
You only get one life; you deserve love, starting with loving yourself.

Freedom and Wholeness

I found freedom and wholeness on the other side of narcissistic scapegoat abuse. It taught me many life lessons and pushed me higher in my spirituality than I could ever have imagined. I found forgiveness in my heart for those who almost pushed me over the edge. I know they must carry the burden of their ways; it's not my spiritual path or concern.

To the person reading this, "You are perfect just as you are."

Engage in this purification process to regain equilibrium and manage inner anger. Connecting with your inner self and higher consciousness will aid in this journey.

Self Care

Self-love and care are paramount to the healing journey. Recognising for once that your needs come first before you can help others. The following tips are for you to do, all of them contributed to my recovery.

Physical exercise: Physical activity is key to avoiding stagnation. Since the mind and body are connected, exercising can boost mental and physical strength. It doesn't need to be intense; even a stroll outdoors or a relaxing swim can make a difference.
Mental exercise: As a former fitness coach, I've come to realise that I once overlooked my mental well-being, but now I understand its importance. It's common knowledge that physical exercise benefits the body, yet we often forget to exercise our minds. Meditation is similar to a gym session for your brain, strengthening your mental faculties and bringing about a state of calm, peace, and inward serenity. Just as you wouldn't expect to lift 100kg on your first day at the gym, meditation requires patience and gradual progress. Simply tuning into my voice during the guided meditations can aid in this journey.
Avoid Alcohol and Drugs: The urge to fill an inner void with harmful substances can be an attempt to numb emotional distress. Similarly, eating disorders often stem from the same desire to escape psychological pain.
Setbacks: Setbacks will occur, bringing days filled with despair, sadness, guilt, regret, and self-doubt. The path to freedom and wholeness is a gradual one, revealing many layers of self along the way. It's common for your mind to become overwhelmed and revisit past events. Start acknowledging your thoughts and learn to observe them with gentle detachment.
Make Space: Create a peaceful environment for your sadness. Find a quiet spot, play some soft music, and permit yourself to experience the sadness. Reflect on it, observe it, and let the tears flow freely.

You don't have to pretend: Gradually, you'll become more yourself and less of a people pleaser. Start by learning to say "No" to requests that are too much for you. If that's tough, try not to immediately say yes to everything. Instead, buy some time with responses like, "I'll get back to you tomorrow." It's all about taking small but significant steps to prioritise your own needs for a change.

As a child, the fear of being abandoned makes you conform to the dysfunctional system. As an adult when speaking the truth means abandonment and isolation, you recognise it doesn't matter anymore. You are choosing to raise the bar for your life, drawing a line in the sand, and seeking well-deserved independence, freedom, wholeness and goodness.

Family Scapegoating Abuse (or Family Scapegoat Abuse) are terms coined by Rebecca C. Mandeville, LMFT, CCTP. They are based on over 15 years of qualitative and quantitative research studies on the abusive aspects of scapegoating dynamics impacting child victims and adult survivors. To learn more about FSA and its effects and access resources supporting FSA recovery, visit her website at https://www.scapegoatrecovery.com.

Thank you for reading today. I hope this article brings you hope and healing on your path to freedom and wholeness. Join our membership today to support our work and become a valued member of our community.

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