When speaking out leads to further gaslighting and judgment. The tools that supported my healing journey.
Empathy
I know that the only way to help and support others is to be able to connect with them. Empathy is a powerful tool in aiding the journey to healing.
“My shoes have a lot of miles on them. Unless you have walked in my shoes, don’t judge me or my life.” — Unknown.
Yet, we use the word empathy and never really embody what it must be like to walk in someone else’s shoes.
Abusers like powerful positions
We still live in a society that is quick to judge and lay blame at the door of the victims of the silent killer and slow torture that is mental abuse.
How do we improve as a society when we actively encourage people to speak out about their innermost feelings and abusive experiences, and when they do find the courage, we label them crazy, psychotic, mental, and worse, not believe them?
“If you could walk a mile in my shoes, you’d be crazy too.” — Tupac Shakur
Families still hold on to old generational beliefs that we must not wash our dirty linen in public.
Yet, who does this serve if not the abuser of the family?
I get it to a point; it is not wise to plaster your private thoughts all over social media, especially in the modern age, when future employers check out your media pages. There does need to be safe spaces where victims can speak without fear of further labelling and gaslighting.
Is it not time to look at our generational belief systems and question why we learned certain beliefs? Are these beliefs contributing to the betterment of our lives?
Why do we vote for people to govern our minds that only promote division and hatred amongst the population? Does this truly serve us?
Unfortunately, abusers often find their way into positions of power. After all, it’s what they crave the most, to feel a sense of importance to fuel an already empty spiritual vessel. They expect respect instead of earning it. If you dare question their actions, you will find that your character will be heavily smeared.
We only have to see how the media behaves towards people as a perfect example.
Abusers dislike having their authority questioned; rather than finding solutions so each party can agree, they intentionally withhold information and obfuscate the main issues.
As soon as they need information from you, they will want it immediately and be very quick to accuse you of the same thing they do. Mirror Mirror
Speaking up and boundaries
It is not straightforward to tell your story because the reprisals can be enormous. I understand the intense anxiety and stress surrounding victims when standing up to abuse and taking their power back.
Abusers love control and power because it feeds into their sense of worth. Deep inside, they know they feel worthless, which is why they want to keep up the façade of control.
When I finally sought wise counsel, a very kind lady lit the match for me, and the penny dropped. She told me about the need to set boundaries; if someone truly loves us, they respect boundaries and care about our feelings.
This nugget of golden advice changed my life, and the floodgates opened. All the years I had been gaslit, my voice silenced, or my feelings discounted and belittled came flooding in.
Yet, this match lit an angry fire within me that raged furiously, almost to the point that it consumed me. My health declined, I lost a lot of weight, and because of the constant dis-ease, I began to experience painful bouts of intense vomiting and digestive issues. I could not stomach what had happened.
I had to come to terms with what had happened to me.
When you are raised in dysfunction, it is your normal. We don’t understand that we have been caught up in mental abuse until our eyes have been fully opened.
My greatest fear
My biggest fear was that if I stood up to the injustice of the family dysfunction, I would be isolated and pushed out by the family. It happened before when I was carrying my first child.
You see, there is no winning over a narcissist; you are dammed if you do and dammed if you don’t. You cannot expect to have a relationship based on equal terms and respect, which is what we're asking for.
You are always the problem, and what makes it even more challenging is that the abuser will play the victim role like a Hollywood film star to bring others on side against you.
This is the mental torture of psychological abuse. The abuser will push you to the point where you begin to feel like you are going crazy, suicidal even for some. Then, when they can simply brush it away and say, “See, told you she was crazy.”
Using the inevitable anger as fuel
I will not tell you that standing up to your controllers is easy or without extreme heartache.
I walked away from nearly every family member and their associates to begin a fresh start. I ultimately granted them all mercy, not because they deserved it but because I deserved not to carry the pain around with me any longer.
Finding the courage within to stand in who I am has been a challenging path, but certainly not one that I have regretted. I have used the destructive fire of anger and rage that almost destroyed me to become a force for good instead.
Today, I work as a spiritual guide to help support the healing journey of others and to align people with their true spiritual path. I want people to know that there is freedom and wholeness on the other side of abuse.
Some of the healing tools that worked for me
- There was a need to comprehend what had happened to me. I researched about the narcissist personality type to grasp their mindset and ways of operating. Knowing the enemy is powerful.
- I worked on developing myself and setting stronger boundaries, which has brought in better-quality friends who are genuinely happy for me. Be prepared for people to fall away who can no longer use you to dump their continual rubbish on you; it will happen.
- I joined a martial arts club and became a black belt in kickboxing, helping to strengthen my mindset - I fully committed to it.
- Meditation is powerful; the more you practice, the better you get. I cannot stress enough how this practice puts me in touch with myself and brings me joy. The mind, like the body, is a muscle that needs exercise to grow stronger.
- Initially, I devoured self-help and spiritual books which were great support; eventually, I became my self-help advocate.
- Acupuncture did help through the toughest times.
- Practicing gratitude even for the small things like a cup of tea or the companionship of an animal.
- Getting out into nature and connecting with all that you are. I do this daily.
Reaching gratitude
When I was in my lowest moments, I never could have believed that one day I would reach a place of gratitude towards those who almost destroyed me. I am in that place today, for without the experience, I would not have grown as a human being to go on to help others and live with more prosperity and joy.
Family Scapegoating Abuse (or Family Scapegoat Abuse) are terms coined by Rebecca C. Mandeville, LMFT, CCTP. They are based on over 15 years of qualitative and quantitative research studies on the abusive aspects of scapegoating dynamics impacting child victims and adult survivors. To learn more about FSA and its effects and access resources supporting FSA recovery, visit her website at https://www.scapegoatrecovery.com.
